Primate rights: the b*st*rds want to take my Robbie away!
The statist b*st*rds in the California legislature want to take my Robbie away! Those are the primate rights you won't hear about from those ******** at PETA: my right to keep my friend, Robbie the orangutan, in my house. Not as a pet, but as a cherished member of the family. Yes, I know: we're all sad about the unfortunate incident in Stamford, Connecticut where a chimpanzee "went ape" (as the papers say) and attacked a friend of his caretaker. But, my Robbie is not like Travis, the Connecticut chimp.
Robbie and I are as close as two primates could be. Just as orangutans do in the wild, we frequently go swimming together and bathe together occasionally. Sometimes when he's scared of the thunder I allow him to stay safe and warm in my bed. Robbie would never go wild and try to attack someone, it's not in his nature.
But, that's not good enough for California state senator Adam Bassinger, that ************. Oh, no. For some reason that ******* wants to prevent Robbie and other primate members of the community from being free to enjoy the great outdoors and roam the city. Instead, he's pushing for laws that would trap Robbie in a prison cell... inside my house.
A key tenet of libertarianism is freedom and personal responsibility, and now Bassinger wants to take that away.