About the Aspen Bear "cull"


There's been a lot of irresponsible speculation in the "blogosphere" about a so-called bear "cull" in Aspen. What those "armchair analysts" don't understand is that there's been a ten-fold increase in bear sightings in our wonderful town; even the Legacy Media has noticed it (link). Something has to be done, and it has to be done now before something tragic happens.

Do you want to talk about root causes? Those "know-it-alls" who feel free to criticize at a distance have no idea what's going on here. We are literally under siege. The amount of berries and other fruits on trees in the surrounding woods and mountains has been dramatically reduced, and that's caused the bears to look for food elsewhere. I have personal experience with that, as a large female black bear was recently found rummaging through the trash bin of one of the guest houses of my summer cottage in Aspen. My security team had no choice: once a bear develops a taste for human trash, it has a strong possibility of developing a taste for human flesh. I want to assure everyone that, because my security team uses a special type of ammunition known as "hollow points", the bear and her cubs felt no pain.

You know the old saying about when you point fingers you've got four fingers pointing back at you? Well, it applies in this case. Instead of blaming the entirely innocent residents of the wonderful "second town" I call home, blame yourself. The root cause of all this is global warming. It was global warming that led to the berry shortage, and that led to bears coming into town, and that led to us having to do something. We in Aspen seek to live in one with nature and take a series of steps to reduce our carbon footprint. What about you? What role have you played in increasing global warming? Don't you bear a little responsibility for the situation we face?

Further, I want to assure everyone that what we are forced to do is simply good wildlife management; we are being good stewards of the wonderful town we've been given. We have consulted with local Native American leaders and will be seeking their assistance with the action. Further, we will assure that no one will profit from the action but that instead the meat will be donated to homeless shelters in Denver and other major cities. The pelts will be crafted into garments for use by impoverished people in the Russian Far East, sending an international message of peace.

Instead of questioning what we're doing, look inward: what are you personally doing to stop global warming in order to prevent situations like this from recurring?