Huff And Blow

Poll: 11% of tea partiers do their own dental work

The results of a new, exclusive HAB poll have been released including a shocking statistic: 11% of tea partiers do their own dental work. For an unknown reason, dentists - along with lawyers, public administrators, and psychologists - are among the tea partiers' least popular professions. And, the teapartiers have put their money - and their home-made dental tools - where their mouths are.

Follow-up interviews with tea party members have revealed a wide variety of reasons, but some observers have also pointed to the fact that Koch Industries - a major benefactor of groups that promote the tea parties - is heavily invested in "dental tourism" and a chain of DIY clinics in the Cayman Islands and other offshore havens. Those observers also note that tea party leader Dick Armey is a lobbyist for the mercury and asbestos industries in addition to endorsing a low-cost DIY dental kit. The poll results also follow a week-long Glenn Beck series focusing on the medical and dental professions and tying them into the greater Progressive movement.

Some of the reasons given by tea party members in follow-up interviews include:

* "I'll be DAMNED if any of those dentists are going to get a dime of my money! The ADA is a SOCIALIST SUBVERSIVE organization founded with the assistance of MARGARET Sanger and funded by Teddy ROOSEVELT and other PROGRESSIVES, also known as COMMUNISTS!"

* "I'm sick and tired of these whining, TREEHUGGING hippie commmunists with THEIR nanny STATE rules about mercury AND asbestos! Go back TO Russia!"

* "Obama is a COMMUNIST, and I THINK you're a Communist TOO!"

* "I'm a very satisfied customer of the Dick Armey-approved DIY Dental Kit and I've already performed two root canals on my molars! Now, that's freedom! Don't listen to the Enemies of Liberty, taste the sweet sweet tea of Freedom!"

When contacted for comment, a tea party leader simply shouted "Communist!" into the phone several times and then hung up.

Why do we have a Christmas tree at the White House?

Lately, the rightwing noisemakers have been doing what they do best: making a fuss about a "Chairman Mao" ornament on the White House Christmas tree. Memo to the wingnuts: it's called artistic expression and irony. Don't expect those mouth-breathers to understand that.

More importantly, lost in all the noise is the answer to a much deeper question:

Why is there a White House Christmas tree in the first place?

This is America, not some country with a state religion. This country was founded on freedom of religion, which also means freedom from religion. Why is the Obama administration making Christianity in effect a state religion? What are people who have another religion supposed to think? What are the truly rational among us who don't believe in fairy tales supposed to think? The Obama administration was supposed to be on our side; why are they pandering to mouth-breathing, bible-thumping bigots, especially since none of them voted for them in the first place?

This isn't Northern Europe

Yes, we have trees in Brentwood (hence its name), but we don't have Christmas trees growing there: we've got palm trees. Show of hands: how many of you have ever seen a spruce or a pine? My research shows that those trees are only growing in a small region of the country, and the vast majority of Americans don't live in Minnesota or (gulp) Alaska. The Christmas tree is a foreign concept; in fact, it's a foreign concept from Northern Europe. What connection do almost all Americans have to the forests of Northern Europe? If we're going to have a tree for our winter festival, why not a native or indigenous plant, such as the saguaro cactus?

Have yourself a Merry Deforestation

The world is struggling with Climate Change, and trees are our best natural defenses against scorching summers and melting ice caps. So, why do we celebrate cutting down trees simply as decoration? We need to celebrate the trees themselves and in their natural, unharmed environment.

Instead of having a White House Christmas Tree, we should be on our knees in front of a list of George Bush's sins, begging the world for forgiveness for all the pain we've inflicted on them, whether through massive pollution or through trying to "bomb them back to the Stone Age".

About the Aspen Bear "cull"

There's been a lot of irresponsible speculation in the "blogosphere" about a so-called bear "cull" in Aspen. What those "armchair analysts" don't understand is that there's been a ten-fold increase in bear sightings in our wonderful town; even the Legacy Media has noticed it (link). Something has to be done, and it has to be done now before something tragic happens.

Do you want to talk about root causes? Those "know-it-alls" who feel free to criticize at a distance have no idea what's going on here. We are literally under siege. The amount of berries and other fruits on trees in the surrounding woods and mountains has been dramatically reduced, and that's caused the bears to look for food elsewhere. I have personal experience with that, as a large female black bear was recently found rummaging through the trash bin of one of the guest houses of my summer cottage in Aspen. My security team had no choice: once a bear develops a taste for human trash, it has a strong possibility of developing a taste for human flesh. I want to assure everyone that, because my security team uses a special type of ammunition known as "hollow points", the bear and her cubs felt no pain.

You know the old saying about when you point fingers you've got four fingers pointing back at you? Well, it applies in this case. Instead of blaming the entirely innocent residents of the wonderful "second town" I call home, blame yourself. The root cause of all this is global warming. It was global warming that led to the berry shortage, and that led to bears coming into town, and that led to us having to do something. We in Aspen seek to live in one with nature and take a series of steps to reduce our carbon footprint. What about you? What role have you played in increasing global warming? Don't you bear a little responsibility for the situation we face?

Further, I want to assure everyone that what we are forced to do is simply good wildlife management; we are being good stewards of the wonderful town we've been given. We have consulted with local Native American leaders and will be seeking their assistance with the action. Further, we will assure that no one will profit from the action but that instead the meat will be donated to homeless shelters in Denver and other major cities. The pelts will be crafted into garments for use by impoverished people in the Russian Far East, sending an international message of peace.

Instead of questioning what we're doing, look inward: what are you personally doing to stop global warming in order to prevent situations like this from recurring?

Obama: Take Over Whole Foods! Petition

To: President Barack Obama

WHEREAS Whole Foods is the world's leading supplier of fresh, organic products to the U.S., and

WHEREAS Whole Foods is a vital part of our communities and a treasured source of delicious and wholesome foods, and

WHEREAS CEO John Mackey recently revealed himself to be a ultra-far-right reactionary who is opposed to the rational healthcare reform that the vast majority of Americans wholeheartedly support, and

WHEREAS CEO John Mackey's opposition to rational healthcare reform is also shared by other evil-mongers such as the racist xenophobic mean-spirited reactionary "tea-baggers" and others who've attended townhall meetings, and

WHEREAS the current boycott of the company not only will have limited effectiveness but may lead to a disruption in supplies to our local markets and may lead to them shutting down stores and perhaps even firing employees and will have an impact on suppliers in countries that are already suffering under decades of U.S. oppression, and

WHEREAS other companies have been taken over by the U.S. government including companies that simply produce cars or that are banks and are not as important as food, and

WE THE UNDERSIGNED progressives hereby urge you, U.S. president and U.S. citizen Barack Obama to pass emergency legislation taking over (nationalizing) Whole Foods as a vital part of the U.S. food supply and replacing CEO David Mackey with someone who will carry forth the Obama administration's progressive goals.

Signed,

Ariadne Huffanan
Ward Beecher
John Ciccilini

Others will be added, and visitors are urged to add your signatures in the comments below.

What libertarian means, and doesn't mean

Many people have a false impression of libertarians, confusing us with libertines. In fact, the difference couldn't be more vast. We believe in peace, freedom, and liberty. They just want to "party". Certainly, we have many members that just want to "party", but that's a very small part of our movement and those people - to be frank - don't understand what it means to be a libertarian. At its heart, our movement is about individual freedom and liberty: the right to do what you want, when you want it. And, who could argue with that? Our movement is well beyond simply "partying" and the "recreational uses" of "certain substances". Nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, initially, I might have become involved with the movement because of "that", but I soon realized that there was much more to it. My political transformation began as I read the works of Ayn Rand and realized just how deeply her thoughts resonated with me... It was a true ideological transformation and life-changing event as I realized the totality of Man and how we're all linked... yet, at the same time, we're all individuals and have a right and responsibility to individualism... yet, at the same time, we're binded together in a common Humanity, as if we're part of one living organism, Earth. This transformation and its mind-expanding corollaries filled my thoughts and my mind... but, what I was unable to understand is why some people - we call them the statists - could not understand the rectitude of our argumentation. Those statists are constantly trying to "harsh our buzz", as some say. Some are willing to use truly reactionary means, even going as far as editing position papers on my own computer while I'm not looking or even when I am in order to quash our movement towards true, global harmony and peace and freedom. They are the ones to be found "pulling the strings" behind the scenes... all I know is I keep hearing some weird clicking on my phone "click... click click... click" it's like that. I could go on for hours and hours and hours and hours discussing all the things our enemies do. And, you never know where they might be. They might be in that car on the freeway or they might be over there in that tree or in that house or under that bridge or in that hill. I don't mean on the hill, I mean under the hill because I don't know what could be under there they might have something for all I know, that's where they might have a cell of people - or other beings, ready to strike and planning to strike and making their plans against us.

Jim Gillespie is a former assistant professor of comparative politics at Arcata Community College, a former web editor of Rational Magazine, and a former Libertarian Party vice-presidential candidate. He is currently a lobbyist for Hitchinson Wampoa Ltd., the Chinese State Educational and Vocational Company, and the Happy Fun Toy Company, Ltd. His thoughts are presented here only for balance, and do not represent the views of Huff And Blow.

Primate rights: the bstrds want to take my Robbie away!

The statist b*st*rds in the California legislature want to take my Robbie away! Those are the primate rights you won't hear about from those ******** at PETA: my right to keep my friend, Robbie the orangutan, in my house. Not as a pet, but as a cherished member of the family. Yes, I know: we're all sad about the unfortunate incident in Stamford, Connecticut where a chimpanzee "went ape" (as the papers say) and attacked a friend of his caretaker. But, my Robbie is not like Travis, the Connecticut chimp.

Robbie and I are as close as two primates could be. Just as orangutans do in the wild, we frequently go swimming together and bathe together occasionally. Sometimes when he's scared of the thunder I allow him to stay safe and warm in my bed. Robbie would never go wild and try to attack someone, it's not in his nature.

But, that's not good enough for California state senator Adam Bassinger, that ************. Oh, no. For some reason that ******* wants to prevent Robbie and other primate members of the community from being free to enjoy the great outdoors and roam the city. Instead, he's pushing for laws that would trap Robbie in a prison cell... inside my house.

A key tenet of libertarianism is freedom and personal responsibility, and now Bassinger wants to take that away.

Jim Gillespie is a former assistant professor of comparative politics at Arcata Community College, a former web editor of Rational Magazine, and a former Libertarian Party vice-presidential candidate. He is currently a lobbyist for Hitchinson Wampoa Ltd., the Chinese State Educational and Vocational Company, and the Happy Fun Toy Company, Ltd. His thoughts are presented here only for balance, and do not represent the views of Huff And Blow.

Imponderables! Part 2

Due to popular demand, here's another one of my "Imponderables" from my upcoming book. This came to me as I was chatting with David Geffen at the recent Barack Obama fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton. He had a perplexed look on his face when I asked him if he had a napkin and a pen handy, but he soon understood after I explained to him that I needed to quickly jot my thoughts down before they vanished into the ether:

There's been a lot of talk of space aliens lately, but is calling them "aliens" really the right term? Sure, we don't know where they're coming from, and for all we know - or have been told - they could be from many solar systems, but shouldn't we call them something else? After all, to them they aren't "aliens". I don't know anything about them, but I do know that they don't refer to themselves as aliens. In fact, I'm sure they refer to themselves in the same way that we refer to ourselves: as people, or whatever they are. Since we have that in common, is there really that big of a difference between us and them after all? Shouldn't we instead think of them as part of "we"?

Boycott Diesel Clothing!

Diesel Clothing - based in Italy - has started an advertising campaign making fun of global warming. My response isn't to laugh, it's to start a boycott. How dare they? Global warming is the single biggest threat the world faces today. They make fun of Mt. Rushmore being partially submerged under the waves, but what of their city Venice? As each day passes the water rises more and more; soon the entire city will be under water!

They pretend this is a bit of reverse psychology: making fun makes a "bigger shock", leading people to think about this. Well, I'll tell you what: people need to think about An Inconvenient Truth, learn from it, and watch it over and over until that inconvenient truth sinks in!

Tomorrow I'll be bundling up my Diesel jeans and other items and returning them to the Diesel Store at the Beverly Center. I won't ever be buying any of their products again, and I urge everyone across America to do the same. Good riddance I say: they're so down-market already, they even have an outlet store out in Ventura County somewhere!

In fact, I might even hold a "clothing burning", right at the corner of Santa Monica and Wilshire! How's that for a "bigger shock", Diesel?

Imponderables!

What a long, strange several months it's been, and I want to apologize right up front about not posting here for so long. But, as most of you are aware, I was spending a lot of time trying to assist Rob Reiner's campaign to be California's Education Secretary. Day and night I criss-crossed the state, attending appearances and giving speeches on his behalf. I was never involved with the day-to-day management of the campaign however, and I had no involvement with the finances. So, it was a complete surprise about what happened, and I certainly had no idea he'd be forced to withdraw from the race at the last moment. And, once again: I had no involvement whatsoever with the financial aspects of his campaign. While I haven't had the chance to speak with him since that fateful day, I want to stress that he has not been tried yet and his guilt is not completely assured. I wish him the best.

With that out of the way, I want to tell you about a new project I've been working on. While traveling from city to city for the campaign, I would frequently pass the time waiting in airplane company lounges and the like jotting down various thoughts in a series of notebooks. Some of these thoughts are more "long form", but others are much shorter, and I decided to release them in book form.

I call them... "Imponderables"!

For instance:

Why is it that when a football team is on offense, their "offensive line" is actually "on defense" in that they're defending their terrority against the team supposedly on defense? Likewise, aren't the linebackers of the team on defense actually on offense against the offensive line of the opposing team?

Ponder that one! Or, try this:

Like me, have you ever simply made a typing mistake and entered "online spell cheker" into a search engine?

Or this:

In Thailand, hamburgers, hotdogs, and pizza are... exotic food!

By thinking through these "imponderables", I hope to help millions of people understand better the world around them, and approach an understanding of our most fundamental truths.

"An Inconvenient Truth"... or just a dodge?

When I first heard the news that the English government was going to send Al Gore's wonderful documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" to every secondary school in their country, I (literally!) jumped for joy. But, then I dug a little deeper...

Sure, English Environment Secretary David Miliband sounds like wants to do something:

"The debate over the science of climate change is well and truly over, as demonstrated by the publication of today's report by the [Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change]... Our energies should now be channeled into how we respond in an innovative and positive way in moving to a low-carbon future."

But, reading between the lines of these articles I realized that they were only sending a "global warming information pack" to those schools. They were not requiring every student to watch the film.

A true effort to educate youth on the effects of the coming global superstorm will involve making ~~Vice~~ President Al Gore's movie part of the curriculum. It will require the state mandating extensive testing to make sure that students have watched and understood the entire film. It is only through such means that full enlightenment to the causes of global warming can be assured.

No drilling in my back yard!

Although my main residence is in Brentwood, I also have a weekend getaway on the beach in Malibu. The cool, fresh sea air invigorates my senses, and the view of the sunset clears my mind after a long week of investigating corruption in Washington and uncovering the malfeasances of the Bush administration.

However, if a new plan has its way my view might be blocked, and I and several of my friends intend to do something about it.

On Sunday, a small group of my neighbors gathered to protest the proposed building of an oil platform off my beloved, tranquil beach. This oil rig would pollute the seas from Point Mugu to Venice; it would be an unsightly menace; and, it would encourage even more gasoline consumption when what we should be doing is encouraging the use of electrical cars or personal wind farms.

Halle Berry - an Oscar winner - was there, as were Cindy Crawford, Jane Seymour, Dick Van Dyke and Tea Leoni. Loretta Swit oversaw the catering for the event, and we had a wonderful pancake breakfast with elderberry jam, sourdough pancakes, soy sausages, and - for those not vegans or octo-intolerant, free range eggs. Afterwards, David Faustino on his blue board, and Daryl Hannah on her pink board surfed out to a wonderful prop that Ivana Trump and Nicole Ritchie had constructed meant to represent the evil oil drilling platform that the Republican forces want to construct.

Did I say "Republican forces"? Why, yes I believe I did. California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has it within his power to stop this drilling plan, but so far he has not. While lately he's moved to the center in some ways, apparently he's only willing to go so far. (I intend to chat with Maria in an attempt to change his mind, and I'll report back.)

As it said on the prop in a wonderful reference to Arnold's famed character as well as our demands: "Terminate it!"

We shall see which side Arnold is truly on.

North Korea: the new Mexico?

Could North Korea be the new Mexico? Let me explain. Mexico is the foundry of our massive economic explosion and the source of all of our recent economic gains. The hard work of millions of Mexicans keeps our economy afloat, lowers consumer prices, and increase incomes across the board. However, that cure has led to its own disease: many Mexicans are now a bit "selective" about the jobs that they will take. Many have, for instance eschewed working in the fields for taking jobs in construction. Instead of threatening us with nuclear tests, could North Koreans take their place, keeping our economy growing and also reducing the nuke threat from that nation?

A couple years ago, my friend Michael Beatty had a wonderful idea: bring victims of the South Asia tsunami to the U.S. as guest workers. Those workers would then send a large portion of their income home. Not only would those Indonesians take jobs Americans don't want, they would also help rebuild their straggling society. Shortly after Beatty's proposal, CATO Institute analyst Will Wilkinson came up with a remarkably similar plan. Despite the support, unfortunately the plan never came to fruition.

Now is the time and the chance to finally show just how well this plan would work.

What we should do is make a deal with North Korea. Yes, I know getting our minds around the concept will be difficult, but it must be done. We can import hundreds of thousands of North Koreans - on a temporary basis - to do the jobs that Mexicans won't do: picking crops, cleaning highway rest stops, sorting offal at chicken processors, and so on. A people that are almost starving will accept almost any wage they can get, leading to lower prices for the American consumer. (And, of course, that means the American consumer will have more money to spend on other goods... market magic!)

Whatever they're paid, our North Korean guests will send a chunk of it home, helping increase the North Korean economy and introducing the people back home to the wonders of a consumer-based economy. Now, certainly, our guests' leaders will want to make sure that their citizens do not seek asylum here or that they are not shocked by American lifestyles. That's why we will encourage the use of North Koreans as monitors and supervisors for their people. Of course, most jobsites will be at remote locations and with dormitory housing and similar, so we can assure our friends in NK that this won't be an issue.

In summary, the threat from North Korea is real. But, it doesn't have to be a threat just so long as we let the market work its magic, resulting in a win-win for all concerned.

Jim Gillespie is a former assistant professor of comparative politics at Arcata Community College, a former web editor of Rational Magazine, and a former Libertarian Party vice-presidential candidate. His thoughts are presented here only for balance, and do not represent the views of Huff And Blow.

I flew to the Clinton Global Initiative... in coach

Dear Debra Saunders:

Prejudices are bad, and your latest column is worse. Only a few of the attendees of the recent Clinton Global Initiative conference flew there on their private "Lear Jets". Many of us - including me, Ariadne, David Faustino, Ed Asner, and Ashton Kutcher - flew on regular flights, in my case coach! I specifically chose that method not just because despite being a well-known celebrity I feel an affinity for other coach flyers but also in order to reduce my carbon footprint as small as possible, and driving or taking the train would have raised it more than flying on a flight with a hundred or so other people.

But, while I was on the plane, I was actually working to reduce my carbon profile. As I was jetting over the cornfields of Nebraska, my personal wind farm was happily spinning away, generating thousands of watts of electricity, some of which I share with my neighbors in Malibu! Can you, Debra Saunders, say the same?

Apres Global Warming: stop the black hole factory!

The evidence of global warming is like a loud siren in everyone's ears, and even the BushCo regime is starting to hear about it and realize the trouble we're in. But, believe it or not, there is a more imminent danger: black holes.

Loretta Swit has looked into these matters in her off hours, and we've chatted about them recently (with me furiously taking notes!) It seems that "black holes" are giant repositories of anti-matter. When anti-matter meets matter, nothingness results: they cancel out, and everything that was there disappears.

Now, here's the big problem: we're matter. In fact, everything on Earth including the Earth itself is matter. If a black hole came near the Earth - or was even created on Earth by irresponsible scientists - everything - and I mean everything - could be swallowed up immediately and we'd never know what hit us it would happen so quick. No more cell phones, no more Priuses, no more gardens, rain forests, or beautiful sunsets. And, no more humanity. All gone in a microsecond.

Now, scientists are creating - are you ready for it? - a "black hole factory". This is a laboratory where they'd create the Frankensteinian monster of black holes. Yes, they'd be for study, but they'd also potentially be able to wipe out the entire Earth!

Let me be very frank: I do not trust Charles Q. Choi. He's the author of a recent propaganda piece called "Despite Rumors, Black Hole Factory Will Not Destroy Earth". These are like the "Men in Black" who try to make people forget about UFOs, except he's the "Man in a Black Hole Factory". This particle accelarator could make one black hole every single second of every single day.

That's around 75,462 per day, one and a half million per month, and eighteen million per year! With eighteen million of them being created per year, I have to believe that at least one would escape and destroy everything. Some might even bounce back after hitting the upper atmosphere, weak as it's become.

I can walk, chew gum, chat on my cell phone, and help my husband polish a script all at the same time, and so can you if you were me. So, while we're fighting global warming, I also urge all of you to help fight this evil BushCo scheme that would literally end life as we know it.

Video: Fidel Castro is OK!

Wonderful news from Cuba, as a recent news broadcast from one of the western hemisphere's two remaining democracies shows lider Fidel Castro alive and well as Hugo Chavez - the leader of the other democracy - comes to pay him a visit and congratulate him on his return to health and his return to fighting against the fascistic dictatorial oppressor regime to the north.

Buenos suerte, mi comrade Sr. Castro!

UPDATE: I hate to quote from "that parvenue site" as Ariadne calls them, but comrade Blake Fleetwood has important and heart-warming news. Fidel says "I can speak in a loud voice if I want" and not only that, he can play baseball too!

And:

Castro also met yesterday for an hour with Kofi Annan. Until this morning details of the conversation have not been made public.

However, a Cuban publication, Rebellious Youth, said that Castro gave Annan a book excerpt that details the life of Fidel from 100 hours of interviews between the Cuban leader and the French journalist Ignacio Ramonet.

"To Kofi Annan, our infinite recognition," reads the dedication from Castro to the Secretary General of the UN.